Sans Is An Idiot
by Justaregularpony
Summary: Contains mpreg/skelepreg, some slight Papflowey, and Frisk being annoying. Short chapters because it looks better on my tablet when I'm writing it.
1. Sans does a stupid thing

Flowey couldn't sleep. He'd finally gave up on trying an hour ago, now on the backrest of the living room couch. The surface was great, having the sun, other plants to talk to, lots of space to explore, even living in the same big house as Frisk and the other nerds was pretty great. It's been about five months since the last total reset. Wow. A new record. Fun. There have been quite a few loads lately. Especially with school in full swing at this point. Usually it's just a few minutes during a school day, but occasionally a whole week or two would be rewound. While Sans has called him "grumpy-pot" 10,709 times so far, apparently he had the more optimistic approach to his reality possibly collapsing at any moment.

Sans stumbled into the house at 4:53am, barely lucid, reeking of alcohol. Leaving his keys in the door, he flopped down onto Flowey's couch. Flowey sighed, the skeleton probably was crying and hungover.

"Did you have a nice night, Sans?"

"It was fucking great,"

"Please tell me that wasn't a pun," Sans looked up at the Flower with a messy smile, before going back to imprinting his face onto the couch. Oh boy. This was gonna be a story to tell Alphys. And a story to tell a heavily modified version of to Papyrus, preventing a lecture for Sans. Honestly he should let Papyrus scold Sans, but he never enjoys doing it seriously. If Flowey and Sans would agree on one thing, it was that Papyrus was the best thing in the entire universe. "Papyrus wouldn't want to see his brother like this, you know," Flowey nagged. He only got a grumble in response. He huffed a little, "I'll let you sleep for a bit, but when people start waking up you'll have to move to your room"

With a few vines, Flowey got to work on making Sans look like he's been home longer, putting the keys and shoes in the right places, even getting the signature jacket off of Sans. It smelt of ketchup, alcohol, and an unfamiliar body odor. Looks like that was a pun. He put it on Sans' bed.

Why wait until there's a time limit? He should put the skeleton on there too.

"Sans," grumble grumble, "Sans I'm gonna move you, don't be limp and unhelpful"

Somehow, with a bit of using vines as spider legs, some puppetry, and maybe some sleepwalking on the skeleton's part, Sans was in his room. Just in time, too, Papyrus' first alarm went off, marking 5:00.

Flowey sighed as both of the skeleton brothers shuffled in their adjacent bedrooms. Paps was probably picking out a morning time story to read.

Flowey skittered into Papyrus' room, letting the distinct, but completely unidentifiable smell absorb into his face. At one point Papyrus had used 16 different air fresheners in different places around his room, and for some reason he really liked it. He reapplies the smell biweekly. All the little rituals he had always brought a smile to the flower's face. Reading a morning time story to Sans was one of them, but today, he probably shouldn't do that.

"Oh, Flowey! Good morning!" Papyrus whispered, waving a gloved hand at Flowey, "I was about to wake Sans up for story time, would you like to join him in intense morning wakefulness?"

"Kinda, I just wanted to tell you that Sans was at one of those star parties last night."

"The ones where they make all the lanterns red and stare at the sky?"

"Yeah, he got back around 2 am, so you should probably let him sleep." While there was a star party happening earlier, Sans had clearly not gone. Or maybe he did and got kicked out. Didn't matter. What did matter was the look on Papyrus' face, his morning ritual being thrown off track. Flowey realized that if he said what he was about to say, he'd probably do it every day for a year. "Want to read to me instead?"

And with that Flowey set himself up as Papyrus' morning buddy. Now with waking up checked off, Flowey now hung out with Papyrus all morning. This was not a bad thing.


	2. Sans Continues to be stupid

Sans vomited into the toilet for the fifth time that week. It'd been nearly a month since his drunken escapade, and with no memory of the event, he blamed this on alcohol. Surprisingly, nothing had gone wrong, and the forgotten night was probably on Frisk's save file until the next reset. Great. He flushed and ran his teeth under the sink until the disgusting taste went away. A nap would be great, but someone was probably about to get him for breakfast any second now. A knock confirmed his predictions. He opened the bathroom door to the human, still in pajamas, mildly agitated.

"You took too long."

"I'm fine, kid" Sans shrugged. He might not be fine, but in all honesty he didn't really care.

"Take it easy, I guess." They pushed past him to use the bathroom. Fair enough, taking it easy was his favorite thing to do.

In the kitchen, Papyrus was hard at work. Or maybe Flowey was. With the flower perched on his shoulder, it was kinda hard to tell who was doing what. What mattered to most of the monsters in the house was that the food that they cooked was pretty darn good. Flowey joined a couple other plants in the table's centerpiece as breakfast was served. Pancakes, with various toppings. The group chatted about various work things and Frisk's school stuff. Toriel tossed a couple puns out before realizing Sans wasn't at the table. While Alphys not finishing her food was normal, what wasn't normal was Sans taking a single bite and leaving. Flowey deemed it suspicious. Taking advantage and the back and forth happening between Papyrus, Frisk and Toriel, Flowey slipped out of the scene.

He found Sans asleep in his laundry. Lazy bum. Flowey pokes him in the lower back. It's weirdly squishy. Probably laundry.

"Sans. Sans. Wake up. Sans. Hey Sans. People miss you out there." He only gets a groan in response. "Sans, are you sick?" Sans nods. "Frisk told me you threw up this morning." More nods. Flowey needs actual words from this guy. Flowey loops a couple vines under Sans' arms and pulls him upright. He looks like he's still asleep.

"Sans, how many times have you vomited this week?" Flowey didn't totally care about this skeleton, but if it was a life threatening thing, he needed to tell someone.

"Uhhhh," Sans opened his eyes a little, "like every day." Oh boy howdy.

"How have you been feeling outside of that?"

"I dunno, doc, really drained. Can't shortcut without almost passing out." This caught the flower's interest. That had some... weird possibilities tied to it, especially with the vomiting. He poked the skeleton in the stomach just to make sure... but hit something squishy instead of air. Flowey tugged up the shirt, revealing a bluish, semi-corporeal tummy covering the space between Sans' ribcage and his pelvis. But that wasn't what confirmed Flowey's suspicion. It was the tiny purple speck floating around the stomach, which upon quite a bit of squinting, was a tiny, miniscule...

upside down heart.

"Sans. When were you planning on telling us?"

"About what? Whatever it is, I probably didn't have the guts,"

"Actually, you DO have guts" he said, poking him in the stomach again.

"What." He looked at his new flesh. "Oh, weird. Guess my magic is out of whack,"

"Look closer, stupid." Sans' eyes grew wide. He spotted it too. Man, that sure woke him up.

"Oh shit. That's new,"

"Did... Did you not know?" The lack of response worried the flower. After quite a bit of silence, the skeleton spoke.

"You've got to be..."

"No. Don't"

"Kid-in me" Sans smirked. Flowey groaned. At least the skeleton was somewhat okay.


	3. Flowey is Optimistic, Apparently

The lack of excited "I'm gonna be an Uncle, but don't tell anyone!" From Papyrus after two weeks left Flowey to come to two conclusions.

1\. Sans didn't plan on keeping it

2\. Sans was being dumb and/or anxious.

Flowey wanted to know which.

Sans was watching a mindless movie on the couch. He had a hand on his stomach. Rule out number one for the moment. Flowey perched his pot on the arm of the couch.

"So. What are you doing?"

"Watching TV."

"...About the soul."

"Oh. I don't really know. I've been putting it off." Flowey couldn't stop himself from facepalming without palms. That gosh darned idiot. Would fall asleep instead of finding his way out of a wet paper bag. Would manage to kill himself in that situation too somehow.

"I don't know how else to put this..."

"Lay it on me."

"You're fucking stupid"

"No, I'm fucking a random monster while drunk"

"No again, you're fucking yourself over. While you're capable of some pretty spooky things..." Flowey took a deep breath, "you have one, count it, ONE hp."

"I hadn't noticed."

"Do you not understand how easily this could kill you? Especially without telling anyone?" Flowey let his inner Alphys out, gesturing wildly, "Someone startles you from around a corner, the tiny soul takes a little too much magic in fear and you just blow away! You vomit up your meals one too many times, not enough nutrients to survive!" He shifted his pot onto the skeleton's tummy.

"That is pretty jarring... But I can't do much about it. Got no partner. Don't feel like telling anyone anyway."

"Are you really that lazy or are you covering up some hidden anxiety about telling everyone?"

"Hidden anxiety? More like the completely open anxiety about a reset."

"Between... us. And only us."

"Yep. Between me and someone who'll actually remember it."

"So if a reset happens between now and the next few months, you'll feel less bad about a kid suddenly ceasing to exist."

"Yep. It doesn't matter and it won't matter. Not dealing with this now."

"Your nihilism will never cease to amaze me," Flowey wrapped a vine around Sans' wrist, "but it's gonna kill you if you don't get a secondary source of magic."

To Sans, Flowey's magic felt surprisingly like Papyrus' magic. Warm and bright, only Flowey's was more smooth from absorbing it directly from the sun. It made the tiny soul inside him move, possibly for the first time, causing him to jolt a little. Who knew that something barely the size of a jelly bean could feel so weird.

"There. Should tide you over until your body figures out it can eat food again."

"...thanks."

"I might be a little hopeful, but I think at some point you'll have to buy baby clothes."

"Here's to hoping."

Something he doesn't do nearly enough.


	4. Frisk causes a mental breakdown

The timeline lasted three more months, to the skeleton's surprise. He was at the point of no return on the soul at this point. He sat up in the nest of sheets and blankets he called a bed. A few months ago he would've looked out the window first thing, but recently, he'd been looking down. Sometime during the night his shirt had shifted up, exposing the belly he'd been trying his best to get used to.

The chicken nugget sized mass inside twitched slightly. He was not used to it at all. And the fact that he has a bit of a paunch going was confusing. He's got enough room in his abdominal cavity to fit a maniacal flower piloting him like an anime robot. Maybe it's just weird extra magic things, and science and blah blah blah blah he didn't totally care. He was probably just fat, too.

He zipped a blue jacket over yesterday's clothes, picking one slightly larger than his usual. They were infinitely spawning from a couch, he should use more of them. He opened his bedroom door and immediately closed it.

The human. There. Right there. Sans opened the door again.

"Hey." He said. The kid only waved. They were smirking slightly. Oh boy.

"Okay. A month ago Flowey said you had a secret."

"He probably did"

"I wanna know what it is."

"...nah."

"Nah?"

"Nah." Sans knew he was probably gonna piss Frisk off endlessly with this. He continued to be difficult.

"Is it in your room?" They leaned.

"No."

"Can I check?"

"Yeah."

"So it's definitely not in your room..."

"Correct."

"Is it on you?" Frisk grabbed for his shirt.

"Woah, if you want me to take off my clothes you should at least ask me to dinner first."

"Is it?"

".No"

"You took to long to answer! It is on you!"

"Yeah but do you know what it is?" That made Frisk pause. They zipped down the zipper on Sans' jacket, revealing... another jacket.

Zip.

Another

Zip. another.

And another and another and.

"Where are you even getting these?"

"The land of spite and infinite jackets"

"What are you hiding in there?"

"My ketchup stash." Sans made eye contact with Flowey. He was running out of excuses to dodge questions with. Flowey crossed some non-existent arms. Frisk squinted at Sans. He got an idea.

"You'll probably be able to figure it out if you wait long enough anyway." That got their attention.

"How long?"

"A few months. Just finish this school year."

"Okay but what if I wanna know now?"

"Can't wait that long?"

"I'll reset in protest!"

"Then you won't know what the secret is. It won't exist."

Frisk thought for a moment. "Challenge accepted." They walked away. Sans let out a sigh of relief. Then almost immediately tensed up again. They're gonna do the challenge. Seventeen thoughts hit his skull at once, but he couldn't think about anything until he sat the hell down. Time for a crisis on the couch.

Sort the things out one by one. Big thought of the day: this loop would last for a few more months. He'd get to see what his kid looks like. He'd get to name them. He'd have to tell Papyrus, and the rest of his friends. There'd be gossip at the bar, new clothes, furniture, medical things, TOYS, BIRTH, MEMORIES, SMILES, CRYING-

He flinched away from a poke on his skull, snapping back to reality. Flowey was there, attempting to look concerned.

"Having a baby breakdown?"

"Dad dilemma."

"Mom mental episode,"

"I'm gonna die."

"No you're not," Flowey rolled his eyes, "You survived the genocide of your species multiple times. You can handle one tiny skeleton."

"Theoretically, yes. Emotionally. Hell no. Hell to the no."

"It's probably not permanent, so just endure it for now. I don't really know what else to say" Flowey slithered off, leaving his pot behind. Probably off to find Papyrus.

Yeah okay, sounds good. Yeah, just having a kid, raising them until they inevitably stop existing. This emotionally dead flower is GREAT help in this emotional situation.

He went back to his room.

Sans was disassociated from reality for the rest of the day.


	5. Sans stares in the mirror for too long

Oh boy.

There he was. About to take a shower. Staring in the mirror. He was mildly freaking out. Suspended in the curve of the blue flesh between his pelvis and his ribcage, was a tiny, mostly defined skeleton. He didn't expect much else to be there, the fact that he could clearly make out their features was startling. While he had been trying to avoid looking at it, his eyes were already locked onto it. He stood on a stool by the sink to get a better look. The tiny skeleton was in his lower belly, curled up tightly around a tiny purple line seeming to link them to their parent. In their ribcage was a soul, a purple upside down heart. Remarkably, there didn't seem to be any trace of a different type of monster in their appearance. Does he just have dominant genetics, or did he find another skeleton? Honestly it didn't matter. What mattered was how small they were. Holy cow are they tiny. If he could hold them, they wouldn't even be as long as his hand. As the excitement of seeing all this raced through him, the fetal skeleton squirmed in response. It took a bit of willpower not to cry at the sight of it. Gingerly, he placed his hand on his belly, as close as he could to the developing fetus. His child. Oh god. He thought it. His child. He still had to tell his friends. But not now. Not today. Right now he was gonna take a shower.

He turned on the showerhead and sat down, staring into his blue flesh. He found it funny how well his stomach matched his jackets. It would be funny to put his baby in a miniature version of his signature jacket. Hoping for the best was something he hadn't done in a long time. But here he was. Sitting in the shower, staring at his still developing baby, thinking about silly ways to embarrass them when they're older.


End file.
